Losing Faith

It is one of the worst things that can happen to a man.

It is the hundred different emotions you feel simultaneously, but cannot understand or process.
It is being in limbo
Or being a bat
Not a beast of the air, and the land rejects you.

It is how you feel, when the very thing you stand upon
Is removed from right underneath you
Or that struggle you thought you had finally overcome
Catching up with you, for the umpteenth time.

It is the thing that keeps you up at night
A thousand and one thoughts roaming the corridors of your mind
You try to shut the voices out
You fail every time.

It is drowning
You struggle to achieve equilibrium
But with each move, you only sink deeper
So you let go, and let the water have it’s way.

Losing faith.
It is the worst thing that can happen to a man.

Scattered Thoughts… Again.

This is probably going to happen more often here now, until I get back to doing narratives. Heck, I think I’ll just create a category and throw this and all its likes in there.
So here we are again, more bits, more pieces.

*********
Things have happened in the last three weeks,
Things that I wish happened three years earlier.
But I am glad, nevertheless.
Better late than never, no?

Winter is here now
And to be honest, it isn’t that bad.
One day I walked for 2.5 miles in the cold
I’m not entirely sure what I was thinking.

I am a lot more spontaneous than I used to be.
I am actually beginning to, as they say “live a little”.
It’s fun.
You should try it sometime.

I am stronger.
Living up to Etana’s name, aren’t we?
I am older.
It feels a little weird now, to not be the youngest person in the room.

I thought my self confidence grew last year
Apparently, I hadn’t scratched the surface.
Three weeks into January
And the progression has been geometric.
It can only get better.

I’ve had not-so-good things happen to me,
And each time I say to God,
“I’ll just sit here and wait
Until you show me the meaning of these things.”
Funny, he always comes through.

The blurry line between what I know and what I don’t,
That line is now as defined as it gets.
This has to be the most remarkable thing
That I have achieved yet.

So everyday, I approach life
Clearly identifying my to-dos
Knocking them off the list with a smile, 
One miserable item at a time.

It gets better from here on. It does.

Etana.

Scattered Thoughts

My drafts are full of half written articles. Well, half-written would suggest that I made it halfway through most of the articles. That’s a lie. Some of them are barely two sentences long.

My drafts are full of scattered thoughts. Not just my drafts. My head too. So I thought to myself “Who says you have to be organized when you write? Writing is an art. Abstract art is art still, no?

So here we are. Bits and pieces.

***

“Winter is coming” they say. Bloody weather, I say.

Sleep and I used to be friends. Feels like a long time ago.

I’m a junkie. I’m addicted. TV shows have become my Valium.

These days, eating food has become a chore. One that I am not interested in doing.

I eat because I must.

I find that I am a lot more disciplined now.

Procrastination knows my name no more. For this, I am proud.

I worry a lot more than I should. I can’t help myself. So help me God.

I have become borderline nonchalant about the things I now feel are less important.

I’d rather not list them. You’d label me crazy.

My highs are really high and far-between. My lows are really low and far-between.

The rest of the time, I am in ‘limbo’. Limbo isn’t that bad, to be honest.

I am in a perfectly balanced state of certainty and uncertainty.

I know what I know, and I don’t, the things I don’t.

But that’s okay. At least I’m not totally ignorant.

I’ll stop here. For now…

 

Etana.